Milda kidnapped by terrorists

  • 2001-04-05
  • John Dough
Dear readers and staff of The Baltic Times,

I feel I must bring an incident of highest importance to your attention.

I have inside information that gives me reason to believe that the wooden construction caging the Latvian Freedom Monument is just a poor attempt by the Latvian government to conceal the fact that Milda, Riga's great statue, has been kidnapped by a group of unknown terrorists, who are demanding a ransom of free meals at McDonald's for the rest of their lives.

Arturs Aklais, a trustworthy source - believe me - told me he saw the statue being kidnapped with his own eyes. Unfortunately, Aklais did not have his camera with him at the time, so there is no photographic evidence.

I have, however, spoken to intelligence officer Raimonds Kurlais, who claims he has heard rumors about Milda being held hostage in a bunker somewhere in Latvia.

With these two sources' combined efforts, I believe The Baltic Times, being the most outstanding newspaper in the region, should conduct a thorough independent and objective investigation to find out the truth.

Should the statue not be back by April 1 next year, I suggest we send a group of Latvian ice hockey supporters to New York, with firm instructions not to return to Latvia unless they have America's Statue of Liberty with them.

P.S. I have included in my letter a picture of the Latvian Freedom Monument - the way it has looked for too long now - to confirm that the statue has in fact disappeared.

Your faithful reader, John Dough