The good, the bad and the downright bizarre

  • 2004-09-22
  • By Aleksei Gunter
Now and then a story comes along that is so outrageous 's for good or for bad 's that it captures the popular imagination and enters into the realm of contemporary folklore. And there's certainly no shortage of such bizarre stories in the Baltics. We've chosen some of the best (i.e. the worst) examples for you to peruse and marvel at.




The Voitka brothers

Although neither Aivar Voitka nor his younger brother Ulo resembles John Rambo, they became local legends after living in the Estonian forests from 1986 to 2000. Some say they wanted to avoid being drafted into the Soviet army, and some that they were merely robbers trying to escape a prison sentence for holding up rural shops. Finally busted in February 2000, the brothers, by then in their early 30s, immediately became media heroes and their names were put on several consumer products, most notably Voitka's barbecue charcoal.

Grin and bear it

In an act of almost superhuman stupidity, a 31-year-old man called Janek woke up in the early hours of the morning at the Tallinn Zoo after falling asleep drunk and decided to feed a huge polar bear called Franz with a cookie he found in his pocket. When Franz grabbed Janek's hand, he defended himself by striking the bear on the head with a vodka bottle, who then proceeded to bite Janek's hand off. Since 1968, 10 arms and one hand have been lost at the Tallinn Zoo to irate animals.

MP AID

While a cure for the AIDS virus has eluded the finest scientific minds around the world, one Estonian politician came up with his own radical solution to the global killer. Toomas Vilosius, MP and former head of the social affairs committee of Parliament, said in an interview with a local daily in 2001 that HIV-positive people only had themselves to blame. "It is easiest to keep your dick in your pants. Don't stick it anywhere you shouldn't put it. There are thousands of nice places where you could stick it," he advised people. After a wave of public criticism and being dubbed Tilli-Villi ("till" is Estonian slang for penis), Vilosius went on to try and find solutions for the equally pressing problems of world hunger and poverty.

Brutal killers

It is still unknown why two action movie-inspired young cadets from a Russian military academy illegally entered Estonia to practice what they preached. In 2002 Yuri Ustimenko and Dmitri Medvedev committed seven murders and wounded six people in Estonia and Latvia. The two kept a diary and took photos of their deeds, seemingly imitating some "Natural-Born-Killers"-like movie. Medvedev was eventually killed by the police and Ustimenko captured. His appeal for a softer sentence was rejected last week and he will serve his life sentence in Tartu prison.

Laar goes too faar

Shooting a political opponent hasn't been considered an acceptable political strategy since the 13th century, but former PM Mart Laar nonetheless used a shotgun to vent his feelings on a photograph of his political rival Edgar Savisaar, chairman of the Center Party, in May 1999. The Centrists made the most of the scandal, demanding Laar's resignation and even publishing a book about the incident. Laar later apologized to Savisaar.

Dead drunk

In a widely reported story at the end of 2003, a Latvian man was picked up by the police with around twice the blood-alcohol level considered to be fatal. He was unconscious but stable after a blood test showed 7.22 parts per million of alcohol, police spokeswoman Ieva Zvidre said. An average person would vomit at around 1.2, lose consciousness at 3 and stop breathing at a level of about 4 parts per million, Zvidre added.

A bridge too high

Riga's Vansu Bridge has become something of a focal point for amateur climbers in recent years. In 2002 a man climbed the vertigo-inducing suspension cables and told the police that he would only come down if they brought him some chocolate eclairs and a bottle of mineral water, which they duly did. The man clearly provided an inspiration to others, since this May another man climbed the same bridge in order to celebrate Latvia's accession to the EU. He did it, he said, to get a good look at the "new bloc he was going to live in."

Legally flawed

In a country with more budding lawyers per square meter than any other nation in the world, former Latvian President Guntis Ulmanis' legendary slip of the tongue has passed into legalese legend. Ulmanis was addressing a convention of American lawyers in San Francisco, when he announced: "I'm pleased to be in the company of such distinguished liars." His cacological gaff earned a roar of laughter from the hundreds of attorneys at the American Bar Association gathering, and Ulmanis was said to breathe a sigh of relief when he learned that none of them was going to sue him.

Monumental idiocy

Once upon a time there was an ultranationalist Latvian organization called Perkonkrusts (Thunder Cross) whose members desperately wanted to blow up the Victory Monument in Riga, which they saw as a symbol of all things Russian. They tried twice using homemade fertilizer bombs, but to no avail. On the third attempt, they used a bomb made with the volatile chemical tolite. The bomb, however, prematurely exploded and the police were only able to recover a foot from the two accomplices.

Radio gaga

In June 2004 Uzupis Radio shut down its popular morning radio program after protests over a series of wacky stunts, including a phone-in program asking listeners to speculate on the appearance of ex-Prime Minister Kazimira Prunskiene's pubic hair. In a bid to make amends with the authorities, the station called in a priest to bless the studio, and devoted the next month's programming to discussions of tolerance. This summer "Uzupiz 'Republic" signed a symbolic tolerance treaty with Lithuanian Foreign Minister Antanas Valionis, which was promptly pinned to helium balloons and released so that it could be read by the angels.

Toil

A media storm erupted in 2003 when then-President Rolandas Paksas invited Georgian clairvoyant Lena Loloshvili to be a guest of honor at his inauguration. Dubbing her "Lithuania's Rasputin," the local media also revealed that she healed patients by wrapping them in toilet paper which she "energized." Paksas admitted she cured him of an illness but wouldn't elaborate. Lithuania's Catholic cardinal called the affair "the work of the devil."

Eight is great

Supporters of ex-President Rolandas Paksas, who was removed by Parliament and banned for life from holding public office by Lithuania's Constitutional Court, registered a coalition for the general elections in Sep. 2004. They promised to hold a referendum that would amend the constitution and restore his rights. Paksas, no stranger to esoteric practices, told reporters the coalition's position on the voter ballot list 's number eight 's would win it 50 seats in Parliament for "numerological reasons," because "everyone knows that eight is an auspicious number."

Triple whammy

Just days after Lithuania joined NATO in April 2004 and Belgian F-16s arrived in the country to patrol the Baltic region's airspace, prostitutes converged on the city of Siauliai where the airmen were based and charged them more than triple the local rate (up to 350 litas/hr). Even though prostitution is illegal in the country, police chief Vytautas Grigaravicius told the media that it was a clear case of discrimination against foreigners.

Ms. Inner beauty

Lithuania drew worldwide attention in 2002 by broadcasting the first ever Miss Captivity beauty contest at a women's prison in Panavezys, a high-security facility 150 km. north of Vilnius. The event's producer said "it was an attempt to find beauty where you might think there is none." The winner, 24-year-old Kristina, a mother of two halfway through a four-year sentence, received $1,300 upon her release and today has a flourishing TV career.

In the driving seat

Lithuania finally scrapped a Soviet-era regulation in May 2002 that required female drivers to undergo a gynecological exam before receiving a permit. "The majority of our consultants said there are no specific female diseases that could hinder women from driving," the country's gender equality ombudswoman told the media, admitting that the rule made the country "look more than strange."

Psycho love

Punk musician Psichas (Psycho) and red-haired Raudona, who worked as a children's TV show presenter, made history as the first couple to have sex live on television in the 2002 Lithuanian reality TV show "Aquarium." Raudona consequently lost her job and several MPs visited the couple on the show to give them a little lecture on how to behave in public. Not to mention the endless TV debates about "should they or shouldn't they." Raudona had such a hard time of it after she dropped out of the show that she went off to live in the U.K., although the controversy doesn't seem to have harmed Psichas' musical career. o

Complied by Aleksei Gunter,

Peter Walsh and Angus Farquar