Battleship

 Director:  Peter Berg

“Battleship” is a film based on a board game. Whilst it would seem that the Hollywood elite have finally run out of ideas, it’s actually not the first time that it’s been done (with the ’80s comedy “Clue,” based on Cluedo). They’re even plans to release an adaptation of Monopoly very soon. At this rate, I look forward to the 3D version of “Tic Tac Toe,” no doubt being feverishly prepared as I write this. So, is “Battleship” full of people reading numbers on a grid in the hope that they can sink their enemy’s fleet? Or does something interesting actually happen?

In the midst of some naval war games, alien invaders decide to pay a visit to show what they’re good at. Namely, invading. The inexperienced Lt. Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch, who seems to have a knack of picking not very good movies after the mega flop that was John Carter) finds himself leading the charge to help defend the Earth. But will The Admiral (Liam Neeson who – after this and “Wrath of the Titans” – must have paid a multitude of mortgages) let him fulfill his potential when he discovers that Hopper’s sleeping with his only daughter.

This couldn’t be more cliched if it was called ‘The Big Hollywood Film Full of Cliches: The Cliched Edition.’ From the plucky yet headstrong hero, the gruff authority figure and lots and lots and lots of CGI explosions, you’ll have seen this film hundreds of times before. The dialogue gets so close to laughably bad that you can’t help but think that it’s been made deliberately cheesy so that the film gets a reputation of ‘so bad it’s good.’ But it really just manages to be bad.
This is a modern ‘B’ Movie that strives to make a virtue of its own dumbness. It doesn’t work.