Conan the Barbarian

Director: Marcus Nispel

Yet another remake throws itself up onto cinema screens leaving the audience to wonder why they didn’t save their money and watch the original at home instead. This time it’s the sword and sorcery epic – based on the popular series of books from Robert E. Howard - that was a big hit with Arnold Schwarzengger in the lead role in 1982.
The film follows Conan’s rise to becoming a barbarian which, unsurprisingly, doesn’t mean he answers a job advert in the local newspaper. Instead he gets involved with battles whilst thirsting for vengeance against the evil Khalar Zym. Really all this is just an excuse for him to run around with his chest exposed whilst hacking off the body parts of various people who don’t have a speaking part

They have taken the muscly lead character of the original, retained the blood and guts and added … well not much more than that really. The script is dull, the story non-existent and the set-pieces lack spark. Even the 3D, with severed limbs flying towards your head in all their glory, stops being entertaining as it becomes ridiculously tedious to see Conan run about for the 500th time to cause even more blood to fly.

Lead actor Jason Momoa is obviously hoping that the film will have the same effect for him that it had on Schwarzenegger’s career but it’s just not going to happen. He’s obviously put the hours in at the gym but he’s forgotten to do anything approaching acting (though given that all he has to do is stand there, look mean and swing his sword he doesn’t have that much to do). The rest of the cast fare little better as they seem painfully aware of all how stupid it is.

When you have a film in 3D with millions spent on it and it turns out to be painfully boring, you can tell you have done something wrong. Trust me: Conan the Librarian would be a much better and more entertaining film.