I'm in a mad rush today, so I'll have to knock this column out in just a couple of minutes. Um, what should I write about? That's the question. To be honest, I normally write these columns in about 10 minutes (on average). I'm not even quite sure why I do it. It's certainly not for the money. I could barely pay my weekly milk bill with what I make doing this. Perhaps I just feel sorry for my editor. He's a strange sort of man who seems to gratefully accept whatever rubbish I submit to him.
Perhaps some of you will recall my "Superstork" column from a few weeks back? I was sure that he'd throw it right back into my face but no, he merely patted me on my back, and with those big sad eyes of his said, "I liked your Exile this week."
But being serious, don't imagine for a moment that it's easy to write a weekly column. First, I always wait until just before my deadline to do it. And second, I never have the slightest clue what I'll write about until I actually sit down to write it. My desktop is a veritable cemetery of aborted Exile columns.
Sometimes when I go to bed I imagine writing a lyrical ode to dripping taps. But then I wake up. Or when I'm walking to work I imagine writing about the fascinating socio-linguistic connection between the Latvian word "pimpis" (penis) and the English word "pimp." But then I think better of it.
I'm probably the last person in the world who should be writing a column because, to tell the truth, I don't really have an opinion about anything. I can opine with the best of them, to be sure, but I'm actually against opinions. In my opinion, there are just too many opinions in the world. They are becoming a serious pollutant.
So few people actually have an opinion that's worth listening to. Instead I just hear the same vapid, mediocre, jejune opinions on everything from art to politics. This is probably why I prefer to devote my little space to things such as superstorks.
But anyway, that's it for now. Must love you and leave you. I'll return next week with a miniature essay on the cultural significance of the teaspoon.
